Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cap and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothin' left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me
Keith Urban
Picture taken during summer 2009 with my little brother, at the back of the car.
Hey all,
How're you guys?
hmm, seems to me that no one ever replies (besides, you know yourself) ; so whatever.
I've been really emotional and tired lately.
I have so many homeworks, test's and just everything else that nag's me everyday.
Somehow, i don't really know who i am anymore.
I know, I've said it a thousand times, 'I wont change who I am' but who am i to change when i don't even know myself anymore?
I guess i'm just a jerk that breaks promises..
I've been locking myself up in my room just to cry quite often. So many reasons why i do that, but still nothing changes.
I cry when i couldn't do my homework,
I cry when i couldn't study for my quizzes and test's,
I cry when i'm so stressed out,
I cry when i couldn't sleep,
I cry whenever i mentioned about my parents,
I cry whenever i see pictures of my family,
i cry whenever i read/watch a scene when family members were to separate,
I cry whenever i think back to the time i chose to leave,
I cry .. when i don't know what i'm doing anymore.
Its the worst suffocation in my life ever.
So far no one that I know, knows this pain i'm going through right now.
Dear friends or just to anyone who's reading this, I have a lesson to share with you.
I truly hope you understand my point, and appreciate it.
Journey of a lifetime
I'm a typical teenage child like you.
I have a warm wealthy family,
I go to school,
I make friends,
I learn new things everyday..
I sometimes complains about my life, my family, my friends, school or just anything around me. I admit it.
I am jealous of people who are smarter than me, popular than me, prettier than me, much talented than me.etc..
I complain, i get jealous, but i still love how everything is in its place and just the way they are.
I complain, i get jealous, but i still love how everything is in its place and just the way they are.
There are so many things going on in life every second of the day. Who knows what will happen next?
About 5 months ago, when i was sitting in my room back in Malaysia, my dad came in to have a little chat with me.
We started talking about education, then, everything changes.
He asked me if I know what i was doing, and I said not really.
He told me that we only have 1 chance, in no matter what we're doing; that ONE CHANCE is all we have.. I nodded my head, as i understands what he was trying to say.
but He told me I am special. I had another chance. But will i appreciate that 2nd chance to turn around?
He told me to hit the reset button if i'd want to take that 2nd chance.
The Reset button to change myself, change all the bad habits i have and learn to be a better person. I stunned. Because i knew what will happen next. Because i knew i was going to leave.
I stopped school about 3-half months ago, used the whole month of July, tried to spend all my time with my family and friends. I spent time with my mom, I spent time with my father, I spent time with my brothers, I spent time visiting my relatives over the states, I tried to make up with my friends..etc.. I know, no matter how much time i spent with them, its definitely NOT ENOUGH. Time will still go on even though your eyes are closed.
A day before I left home, I met up with almost EVERY ONE of my friends. Took half an hour meeting up with my high school babes and mates at CHS back gate. Then I headed off to Sunway Lagoon Mall with my BFF, Yi Qing. We hung out with 2-3 of my primary friends and 2-3 high school friends. Later the night, I spent 3 hours sitting at the night food court with my primary BFF's. It was practically the BEST day ever. That was what i think.
Then the next day, it was time for me to leave. I started receiving text msg's from all my friends wishing me good luck and stuff (some sent me earlier too). All of the text msg's made me cry so bad. I felt so emotional that my tears couldn't stop dripping. My aunt from Ipoh and my cousin brother with his family came to say goodbye.. They all went to the airport with me (:
I kept thinking that its a dream, its not real.. im leaving? Since when did time pass so fast? Ooh wait, it always had. I started being sad and crying almost all the time.
I believe that everyone has their important moments in life. And mine, was the moment i hugged my family goodbye. It wasn't easy. I thought i would be stronger, but im not.
I remember that day, when i was still standing before the security guards into the custom thing, i hugged everyone that was there. the 2nd-3rd person that i hugged last was my younger brothers. they were wearing the cap and the Naruto shirt i bought for them. That was practically the first and last hug i get from them since they grew a little older. It feels weird but i loved it, cause i didn't know that i loved them more than i know.
At last, of course, my mother. She was the person i didn't want to let go when i got to her. I have so much to tell her but i didn't get to cause i kept crying. I now regret that i went out the whole day on the day before i left Malaysia. Cause i didn't spend time with my mother at all :( I feel so bad and so useless that at that time i took my friends as priority and didn't spend time with her. Although she didn't say anything about it but i know that in her heart she wanted to spend time with me as much as she could. Im the worst child ever.
After 22hours of crying on the airplain, we (dad and I) finally reached California. Seeing everyone over her again feels great. Well, atleast a little better.
Many things happened for the past 2 months and i did a little blogging between the time. I guess im not going to repeat much what i've mentioned before.
Yes, my dad left 2 weeks after we got here. Then we moved into a new apartment close to the school. I got picked on my words, accent, and just about anything else to improve myself to blending into this society. School went well for the first few weeks, then when homework came in, I literately died.
I then realize how different is the system here and back there.
Students back in Malaysia tend to depend on teachers on practically EVERYTHING. but here in the US, we do everything our selves.. I find things a little hard, or should i say hard because i was too used to depending on the teacher. but when i got here, i had to do things on my own.
I started studying harder and I start to realize how important is it to get into a college/university. My routine is practically same everyday. Go to school early in the morning, come back home at around 3pm start doing homework and study. go for dinner at 7.30pm and start homework again at 8.15pm. Sometimes, when there are few test's in a week, i dont even get enough time to sleep but to study.
A friend that i just made 2 weeks ago saw my Facebook bio, and asked me why dont i know myself anymore? I didn't give him any answer because i felt ashamed how i was before.
Its really crazy how I change 'so much' in 2 months time.
I remember how I was a student that only does homework but was lazy and barely studied for exam's.
I get grumpy really easy and start showing my anger.
I was a joker and 'the hyper one' when im with my friends.
I sing alot in my room that i didn't even care what my neighbors think.
I make mistakes that i shouldn't have done because its not even important at all.
I hurt other's feelings just because i wanted something that i didn't bother to think for them.
Overall, I was immature, desperate, selfish and literately stupid.
But as I sat in my room with the lights off, getting ready to sleep the other night..
I realize how i've been a different person all these time and how much i miss being with everyone back in Malaysia. Its hard to tell how i feel but sometimes, when i close my eyes, i tend to SEE those places i used to be around at. But when i open and close my eyes again, that feeling's gone. It seemed so real but its just my imaginations, telling me to face reality.
I've learned some important lessons through-out this period of time that i should always remember.
1 - Appreciate what you have
2 - Think ahead, when you're making a decision
3 - Cherish every moment you have cause you dont know when will you get another.
4 - Think for others before yourself
5 - Education is important
6 - We only have ONE shot, ONE chance, then its over.
Sorry for this really long blog.
It took me sometime to write it because i cried when i was writing it.
Too many things to tell but only tears can express my feelings.
Anyhow, its my mother's birthday today. 18th Oct (according to Malaysia time for now)
Its my first year not seeing her or hearing her at all.
It feels different.
Here's the link of a present i made for her, feel free to check it out.
I dont care how others judge it cause its for my mother.
So, anyhow..
thanks for reading. Please appreciate what you have, dont make mistakes like i do cause its not worth it. You'll regret when you look back to it.
Have a nice day, everyday (:
Gonna go to bed soon.
School again tomorrow.
Nights <3
Love Cydney.
Ps enjoy the music, and ignore my bad english. Still working on it O_O
I believe that everyone has their important moments in life. And mine, was the moment i hugged my family goodbye. It wasn't easy. I thought i would be stronger, but im not.
I remember that day, when i was still standing before the security guards into the custom thing, i hugged everyone that was there. the 2nd-3rd person that i hugged last was my younger brothers. they were wearing the cap and the Naruto shirt i bought for them. That was practically the first and last hug i get from them since they grew a little older. It feels weird but i loved it, cause i didn't know that i loved them more than i know.
At last, of course, my mother. She was the person i didn't want to let go when i got to her. I have so much to tell her but i didn't get to cause i kept crying. I now regret that i went out the whole day on the day before i left Malaysia. Cause i didn't spend time with my mother at all :( I feel so bad and so useless that at that time i took my friends as priority and didn't spend time with her. Although she didn't say anything about it but i know that in her heart she wanted to spend time with me as much as she could. Im the worst child ever.
After 22hours of crying on the airplain, we (dad and I) finally reached California. Seeing everyone over her again feels great. Well, atleast a little better.
Many things happened for the past 2 months and i did a little blogging between the time. I guess im not going to repeat much what i've mentioned before.
Yes, my dad left 2 weeks after we got here. Then we moved into a new apartment close to the school. I got picked on my words, accent, and just about anything else to improve myself to blending into this society. School went well for the first few weeks, then when homework came in, I literately died.
I then realize how different is the system here and back there.
Students back in Malaysia tend to depend on teachers on practically EVERYTHING. but here in the US, we do everything our selves.. I find things a little hard, or should i say hard because i was too used to depending on the teacher. but when i got here, i had to do things on my own.
I started studying harder and I start to realize how important is it to get into a college/university. My routine is practically same everyday. Go to school early in the morning, come back home at around 3pm start doing homework and study. go for dinner at 7.30pm and start homework again at 8.15pm. Sometimes, when there are few test's in a week, i dont even get enough time to sleep but to study.
A friend that i just made 2 weeks ago saw my Facebook bio, and asked me why dont i know myself anymore? I didn't give him any answer because i felt ashamed how i was before.
Its really crazy how I change 'so much' in 2 months time.
I remember how I was a student that only does homework but was lazy and barely studied for exam's.
I get grumpy really easy and start showing my anger.
I was a joker and 'the hyper one' when im with my friends.
I sing alot in my room that i didn't even care what my neighbors think.
I make mistakes that i shouldn't have done because its not even important at all.
I hurt other's feelings just because i wanted something that i didn't bother to think for them.
Overall, I was immature, desperate, selfish and literately stupid.
But as I sat in my room with the lights off, getting ready to sleep the other night..
I realize how i've been a different person all these time and how much i miss being with everyone back in Malaysia. Its hard to tell how i feel but sometimes, when i close my eyes, i tend to SEE those places i used to be around at. But when i open and close my eyes again, that feeling's gone. It seemed so real but its just my imaginations, telling me to face reality.
I've learned some important lessons through-out this period of time that i should always remember.
1 - Appreciate what you have
2 - Think ahead, when you're making a decision
3 - Cherish every moment you have cause you dont know when will you get another.
4 - Think for others before yourself
5 - Education is important
6 - We only have ONE shot, ONE chance, then its over.
Sorry for this really long blog.
It took me sometime to write it because i cried when i was writing it.
Too many things to tell but only tears can express my feelings.
Anyhow, its my mother's birthday today. 18th Oct (according to Malaysia time for now)
Its my first year not seeing her or hearing her at all.
It feels different.
Here's the link of a present i made for her, feel free to check it out.
I dont care how others judge it cause its for my mother.
So, anyhow..
thanks for reading. Please appreciate what you have, dont make mistakes like i do cause its not worth it. You'll regret when you look back to it.
Have a nice day, everyday (:
Gonna go to bed soon.
School again tomorrow.
Nights <3
Love Cydney.
Ps enjoy the music, and ignore my bad english. Still working on it O_O
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